Chapter 4: Twinkle Twinkle Little stars….

Ok let’s step out of the darkness and great wisdom of the last chapter. With two pegs of my favorite Whiskey, I am ready to share the biggest joy of my life. 

Work gave me confidence and confidence gave me hope. Hope to dream big and finally to take a huge decision for the next step of my life. Me who hardly understood myself somehow was convinced that I could be responsible for another human being who would be dependent on me till the time comes when I will be dependent on him. No, I am not talking about hubby, after this point in life I have never ever even had a chance to talk or think about anyone but the twinkle twinkle little star who brightened our lives forever.

I loved kids forever. I never introduced this side of me so let me spend a few lines this paragraph to bring forward the child in me. I loved babysitting my friend’s kids, playing with them, dancing with them, putting them to sleep – everyone thought I was natural at it. To an extent I was, since I myself was still a kid at heart and even now I feel like one. One thing no one realized that I was great with the twinkle twinkle little stars of the other galaxies but was still in a black hole and lost when it came to mine.

I was not at all a natural at motherhood, but I till date say the best time of my life was when I was pregnant. Even before the tests came positive in fact my google-struck (he would google everything and hand me information) doctor was in denial that I am pregnant, I knew I am. My colleagues at office, my friends and family in UK were super supportive. Finally, I felt I was important as everyone would ask me how I felt, I would get a seat in over-crowded sweaty trains, I would be allowed to sit in the front seats of a bus, board and get-off the bus first. I loved it; the best thing was 12 other associates were pregnant in our office at the same time. The twinkle twinkle little stars were going to brighten up so many lives.

I did everything by the book. Being a person who hardly looked after oneself – I became extremely conscious. Long walks, decaf drinks, healthy fruits, lots of water and frequent bathroom trips were all regularly crossed off my checklist. I started feeling like the Queen of the bathroom at one point as I was there throwing up early morning to frequent piss trips every so often. Among things that changed were body weight and my confidence. No prize for guessing, both increased. I was working hard but at the same time my life seemed to have a purpose – shopping for the one I have never meant. I had no idea for a human that was going to be 6lbs and 2oz I needed the world. From designing and painting his room, to checking out 15-18 strollers to buying cots, swings, bottle sets, playmates – you name it and I had it already except for preparing myself for what was going to come. For me he was still this twinkle twinkle little star that would come into my world and just be perfect.

My belief was so strong that I decided to start my MBA when I was six months pregnant. I had my hormones telling me “You got this” – and I flew with them. I applied and got accepted to one the best schools. I was working during day, got promoted to a new role, taking long walks in the evening, visiting the doctor by myself, studying at night and shopping 24/7. I felt like the twinkle twinkle little stars were aligned like they were when Raj met Simran (for those who don’t know Raj and Simran they are Romeo and Juliet of modern Bollywood movies).

The strange thing as I write about it today is I always referred to the baby as “he”. No gender reveal party, but a close intimate baby shower with the closest friends. It was one perfect evening; in fact, it was so perfect, and I got showered with so many beautiful gifts that my baby could not wait anymore till due date. A week later, on Diwali my waters broke but due to very low dilation I was admitted in the hospital next day for induction. In the midst of this, with my confidence still going strong, I managed to complete my appraisal and do some last minute handover meetings at work, crossing the ‘t’s and dotting the ‘i’s. After being 2 days and 3 hours in labor which somehow also was perfect except my impatience and may be the bit of the pain towards the very end, I met him the twinkle twinkle little star who was going to shape me for who I am today.

I know by now you must be thinking I am probably like play doh as first my family, then my academics, my hubby, my machines and now my baby is molding me. I will be honest; I am still jealous of mothers that connect with their babies immediately. I did not. For me the feeling that instantly kicked in was not love but protection. After being 2 days in labor I was supposed to be knocked out, so the midwives kept checking on me throughout the night if I was able to hear him and feed him when needed. However, I was so protective that I did not even keep him down. For twelve straight hours I held him in my arms and kept looking at him. After all he was my twinkle twinkle little star.

Once I brought him home in the car seat, there started another anxious moment of “What now?” Till now everything was in the books, and in the hands of the doctors. However, now it was my turn to be responsible. “Hold on a moment, other than being responsible for budgets of millions of dollars, I have not been responsible for a human that really cannot express what he wants……. What now?” Now was the time for ultimate freak show by me. I would dial 999 (911 if you are reading this in US and 100 if in India – wishful thinking I already suspect my blog has gone viral worldwide) for every little thing – he hiccups, he has temperature, he is teething so has ear infection. I wanted the national guard on standby for my twinkle twinkle little star.

I gradually started bonding and understanding what he wants from me. We bonded over “Sheila ki jawani” (Very much “Jalebi baby” of this era… funny we dance to Jalebi baby every time it comes on while we are in the car or watching TV), we bonded over funny You-tube videos, we bonded on days that were so gloomy and rainy that I could not take him out so just hugged him close to me. One main thing we bonded over was chicken. My hubby is vegetarian, but we wanted our baby to try everything and somehow his favorite baby food was anything with chicken.

The ultimate freak test came when I had to drop him off at the day care for the first time. I knew I wanted to do it alone, I knew I will have to be strong, and I knew I can do it. It was a tough day I went back to work, and everyone knew better than to ask me anything but about the baby, I could not wait for the clock to show me the time to pick him up. Strangely enough when I did go to pick him up, he was lying on a floor mat super happy and babbling away. The first thing the ladies at the day care said to me was that he has adjusted very well and pooped quite a bit (a sign he was comfortable according to them, I knew I had something common with the English as this is how I judge my hotel stays). I was happy he was happy but somewhere in my heart I felt my 5-month-old baby is not any more a twinkle twinkle little star but someone I am going to eternally love, discipline, cherish, lose my cool on, respect and go crazy for always.

Okay I need to really keep a check on this over-sensitive Moma as she can totally write an entire book cover to cover on her twinkle twinkle little star so we will return to talking about my prince after I introduce you to a few more personalities that danced, sung, cried, fought, laughed, and freaked out with me as I drove through the sharp corners and climbed the steep hills of my life. I promise though I will have a chapter on how life changed and shaped me as a mother from his first birthday till date and how I still cannot believe sometimes I sing twinkle twinkle little star to myself to bring me joy and peace.

Chapter 3: “I can’t, no, I won’t hush” – Ed Sheeran

          This chapter is coming out on a day that I am running low on supplies, no not ink, paper, cartridge etc. but my beloved drink for my second peg. So, I am going to write about the not so happening part of my life a little dark but a very “AHA…” moment.

Just to recap my machines and my job became a huge part of my life. However, life was not always a cup of hot chocolate topped with whipped cream, but it was in fact most of the time smoked whiskey on the rocks. Professionally, I started learning, growing and achieving quite a bit to start with. I liked the office, the competition and the attention of corporate life.

          I enjoyed work, yes you read it right. I enjoyed working late hours, weekends, holidays…you ask something of me, and I am there. The thrill of achieving and getting recognized and staying away from the dark hours at home made it a very lucrative package for me. Yes, so let’s venture into my personal life. I married the man of my dreams and yes everything seemed perfect till the first day we moved into our first rented apartment in the UK.

          It was a beautiful cottage, very small but cozy and very cold. The heater did not work for the first couple of days. I thought that was romantic, but the man of the house was not happy. I was so dumb that I really thought life was going to be fun, films, travel and adventure. My brain could not even come to terms with the fact that I was supposed to behave like a lady while the friends I grew up with were hanging out at college campuses, having PJ nights and working towards building their dream career. In the beginning when things were not in the right place, when he would be away for weeks, I would throw massive tantrums, I would call him so much, I would beg him to not go or take me with him. He would on occasions let me accompany him.

          Life was becoming different; it felt like I was not up to everyone’s standards/expectations. Having been born as an only child I was spoilt rotten so I would more than often speak up “I can’t, no, I won’t hush” (Ed Sheeran). The consequence I guess it should not be a surprise, I lost it all.

My family wanted to live under the false pretense that they have got me married abroad and nothing better could have happened to my life. So, they outright refused to even listen that anything was wrong. It was however not all downhill. We would occasionally have great days, would walk the streets of London, would laugh it out over a bottle of wine, eat at Domino’s pizza and chill in front of the TV. Then it would be followed by arguments, door-slamming, shouting, hurting each other, and more than often being left alone. I could never get it right. I somehow had a strong belief at that time if I shout louder, I will be heard, and my voice will bring everything back to track. I was so desperate to live my dream that I would often wander at night thinking what can I do to make it how I wanted it, “I can’t, no, I won’t hush” (Ed Sheeran).

          Finally, when I finished my first Masters and went into a full-time job, things started to look a little brighter. Seemed like life was ready to accept me for who I was. However, I knew deep down I had completely changed. Except the hunger to go up the career ladder, the fun, stupid, “dream-big-or-go-home” perfectionist was nowhere to be found anymore. I would struggle with myself time and again as the fun part would try to come out and all I would do is tell myself, “You have to work really hard, don’t focus on anything as the pain will disappear one day.” Life was mundane but I liked the routine – office to home and back to office. To contain myself my ultimate entertainment was a drive and life was simple. That’s when my machines stood by me and made me complete and gave me a new hope of a path that was winding but when travelled lead to serenity and peace.

As you would have guessed by now, my life has been immensely influenced by Bollywood and today after writing this piece I am thinking of reaching out to Tapsee Pannu (comparable to Blake Lively), Kangana Ranawat (comparable to a Julia Roberts, I don’t think she will agree) and director Madhur Bhandarkar (comparable to directors who bring forth women issues … like men have none…. totally off topic) to transform this into a revolting 2021 “JAAGO NAARI” (rise of women power) movie.

          Anyways jokes aside, while speaking up at home was viewed as argument by parents, cousins and the near & dear ones. Speaking up at work and challenging the set ways was what brought me closer to what I viewed as success. I was novice at both as I mentioned earlier, I never had to raise my finger to get anything before this stage of my life than just competing at academic institutions. However, instead of “I can’t, no, I won’t hush” (Ed Sheeran) I learnt to articulate my thoughts and numb my emotionally over-sensitive feelings to cloud my path of life.

Chapter 2: Driving on the left again!

Okay let’s rewind the fast-forward scene from the last chapter. We got married total Bollywood style – both families unsure (sure it will not work) but happy to support. I had secured some college places in UK and soon after the rituals were over, flew across to the other side of the world. On the Christmas Day I landed in the Queen’s land to start a new life.

Lucky me! The most familiar sight was that driving was still on the left. However, I ran out of familiarities right after that. I never thought I will miss the scary canines from our Indian streets, the variety of horns ranging from the rickshaw drivers to the trucks, the sound of pressure cookers going off in every house, to the basic sight of another homo sapiens.

 I would pick up the intercom phone to hear the leaves rustle outside and numerous boots stomping on the ground in the morning hours of passers-by heading to work. Nope, they would not speak like they did in India. No Shyamala Chachi from next door asking, “Why so early, did you pick up an extra shift?” or Raja da from down the street, huffing and puffing running towards you with a packet of  Jalebis and a big grin across his sweaty face, “Today I ran a lot to and from the house, I think this would help me get in shape and to keep my sugar level from dropping too much I need at least 5 of these fresh Jalebis for breakfast!” For the five out of the six and a half years I spent in the UK I did not even see my neighbors. That’s when I started learning to drive on the left side again.

I had an international driving license, but as we know it was as authentic as Benarasi Sarees sold on amazon. I started taking lessons – narrow roads, icy weather and strict rules. On top of that Indians as always anywhere in the world spreading gossips just to pull other Indians down. They would tell me scary stories about how the English police would torture you even if you just scratched another car. I owe so much to England and the third on the list was its gift to let me drive. Since I started driving, it has given me independence, a sense of flying, a sense of changing direction, and being in control at the same time. Sometimes I would wonder how many looks and touches by the so-called pervert uncles I could have avoided in the Kolkata buses if only I knew well to drive on the left side.

Let me take you through the machines I have had so far. My first car was more like my dad – tall (long), strong, stubborn and grey (Ford Mondeo). The second car was more like my hubby – short (compact), cute, and silver grey (Honda Jazz). The third one was like my Economics teacher – perfect height, very balanced and powerful (VW Passat). The fourth one was like my son – my baby, good looking (red-vermillion), extremely reliable, talk of the town, powerful and smooth (BMW X3). The fifth one was Tesla; I do not know anyone like that other than Barry Allen – The Superhero Flash.  The sixth one exactly like my aunt – very caring and smooth, at the same time with a big heart and never blue (actually blue) (Lexus RX 450). These machines have played a huge role to shape me the way I am – strong, fast, competitive and extremely emotional while driving on the left and the right side of life.

Sorry, when it comes to driving, I do get diverted and always feel the need to introduce the important characters – my machines. So, let’s take a U-turn back to the Buckingham palace. We moved three houses while in the UK, the last one being an apartment that was our first home together that we could call our own. My college life in the UK was exciting and stressful. Unlike India I made friends, and with one I am super close even today. She has been there from our very first house, to my son’s birth to wishing me well on every occasion and been a shoulder when I needed it most. The UK college days added a lot of value to practical learning unlike our traditional Vedas that we are forced to gulp down in India. So, I ended up doing not one but two Masters degree from UK. I am hesitant to say though both these degrees shaped my career, but the Indian Bachelor’s is what kicked start my career to drive and glide on the left side.

I had been working for a year at a job straight after my first college and I got an opportunity from a recruiter friend to go interview with a big Pharma company. Me being a Bengali and massively in love with my voice blew the interview (at least that’s what I thought) by talking very negatively about outsourcing to India only ending the interview to learn that they had just completed a billion dollar transfer to a company in my hometown Kolkata. I shook the manager’s hand and politely but quickly left the premises. I got a very surprising call the next afternoon with a job offer. Later I learned the Head of Finance had shared my resume with our VP of Sales as she is also from my birth city and according to her as I made it into the college of dreams for millions (not mine – remember) I should be able to handle anything. I landed a dream job that helped me get my first machine to drive on the left side.

Small things can bring great happiness. Like Sunshine in the UK helps Indians get out of depression (no offence – it really helped me). My job with this Pharma company – made me more responsible, showed me how hard work always gets recognized and how recognition drove me to give more. I was not only working to go up in the career which I thought was always something that drove me, but I got involved with so many different projects that impacted patient lives directly. I know, I know I sound like one of the ideal bahoos of Ekta Kapoor, but I really felt inside me a huge relief to work for this company knowing how much it was giving back and connecting with patients. Though I very much grew up in a profit/loss environment being from a middle class but since then till now salary/bonus does not really drive me on either the left or right side of my life.

Work became life and life was just filled with work. We used to enjoy shopping at ASDA on Friday nights so that I could park in an empty lot and not end up in prison for scratching another car while parking. We would spend the Holidays with my cousins in Wolverhampton, I would shop business at NEXT and Debenhams and we would go to London to walk around on alternate weekends. London – now that city is super close to heart, as soon as the trains would slowly move into the Waterloo Station the heart was filled with warmth and excitement. The warmth got warmer with the Pret-A-manager’s hot chocolate croissant and a Costa coffee. I have heard that’s how one feels when they go back home except no one really must pay to use the washroom like we did while visiting London. So other than literally money down the drains, life was really smiling at me while driving on the left side again.