August 2022

Chapter 7: THE FEAR of expectations!

       Growing up in a Bengali joint family back in India, in the heart of Salt Lake – I came across a frequent visitor “expectation”. There she was absolutely and heavily head over heels involved in every aspect of my life. She would be there when you wake up, to how fast can you get ready for the day ahead, to what you want to be when you grow old to how you see yourself settled 90 years from then. 

  Recently I read the article of Serena William’s retirement and one paragraph particularly stuck with me: “Believe me, I never wanted to have to choose between tennis and a family. I don’t think it’s fair. If I were a guy, I wouldn’t be writing this because I’d be out there playing and winning while my wife was doing the physical labor of expanding our family. Maybe I’d be more of a Tom Brady if I had that opportunity. Don’t get me wrong: I love being a woman, and I loved every second of being pregnant with Olympia. I was one of those annoying women who adored being pregnant and was working until the day I had to report to the hospital—although things got super complicated on the other side. And I almost did do the impossible: A lot of people don’t realize that I was two months pregnant when I won the Australian Open in 2017. But I’m turning 41 this month, and something’s got to give” (Vogue, 2022). Expectations – through out our lives never prepares us for motherhood. The unconditional love, the undivided attention and to give my child the very best is a feeling that I really cannot describe in a blog. It was a true surprise for me. I often mix up expectation with “what if”. The fear of failing as a mother, not to be the very best “me” more than ever has engulfed my life today – all thanks to the world web.

The social media, the virtual society, and the interference of the internet in the private lives of ordinary people have fueled unrealistic expectations and the need to be recognized for absolutely everything. As I scroll through Instagram accounts, I see the definition of “achievement” has become something we do daily – pairing up a nice t-shirt with jeans (#dresstoimpress), drinking coffee (#beansforlife), first day of kindergarten (#hardworkpaysoff) etc. So where did I go wrong? Did not create an account while I was pregnant, so I am already too late. There should have been a post with the pee-stick, then some family surprise shots, then the baby-shower, the gender reveal (which is now a big balloon moment that every expecting mother must celebrate) and finally the birth. I know I rather sound a very critical person right now, please don’t get me wrong I love celebrations, I love parties, drinks, dance, food, and music. I just don’t see the point in advertising my life. However, in recent times I have been told advertising ordinary people’s lives have become one of the highest paying jobs. Its social media that is guaranteeing scholarships to kids, funding to organizations and driving up business. The pressure – the expectation of having an online presence is all sometimes kids are thinking about these days. Its not the fact that we must do well it’s the fact that we must project well in media whatever we do is the main target.

In this era of virtual expectation, I knew a woman who simply stood out virtually, in person, over the phone, everywhere for her simplicity. For me she redefined expectation “as anticipation to be the best version of yourself”. She cared about society as in how she can give back to it, not about their opinion. She loved her close ones and made sure the ones millions of miles away could feel her warmth. She not only stood up against anything that was wrong, but she also gave it her everything to make it right. She was a fashion icon, wrapped in beautiful sarees and she always carried herself with grace not for the media but for herself. She was well-versed, had a flair for Bengali language and when she spoke everyone listened. At the same time, she made sure she always heard everyone. She was strong, an entrepreneur, a teacher, a great baker, an adventurous traveler, an artist, a fighter, philanthropist, a guide, a grandmother, a friend and above all my “Mother” (I will soon write about our sweet and sour and Indian flavorful relationship in the next chapter). The world wide web could not really capture her on screen. The woman who created her own expectations, achieved them, and made the best out of them. I can never be her, but I want to at least live by her principles and hold up to her expectations of myself.

Reference: (Vogue, 2022) https://www.vogue.com/article/serena-williams-retirement-in-her-own-words