October 2022

Chapter 8: Selfish me …..

You would often hear your parents/elders say with age comes experience. I say, yes with age you experience a lot of life stages, but you can also gain experience as you push your limits, your urge to venture and know the unknowns, to live how you want to – and there is no right age for that. Okay, I know I sound cheesy like the Bollywood scriptwriters – “Jaa Simran Jaa, jee le apni zindagi” (Translation – Go Simran run in your most expensive party dress to catch the pretty slow moving train where your boyfriend is trying to do a gentle yoga pose to pull you in, and live your life” – Uff the drama, but I will not complain I love it every time I see it and I cry).

So, here comes “The Unknowns”, early in my life when my mom was just starting to be my best friend, I was just tiny bit gaining confidence in her shopping ability to buy me my hair bands, I lost her in a very unexpected way. Since then, an angel has always spread her wings over me and helped me grow gradually, mature gently, throw tantrums charmingly, judge wisely, cry romantically, fight violently, but live fully. What she was to me? – she was loving but strict, she was my teacher but doctor, she was a great cook but an even better psychologist, she was an artist but a finance guru, she was kind but worldly wise, she was well read but enjoyed Govinda, she was my favorite, but we had the most fights. Yes, I grew up to know the world as she described to me – it is an endless space that makes you carve out your own, how much you carve out depends on how successful you are, how successful you are can only be defined by you as you are the only one who knows what struggles you have been through. Till this day I believe in it. There are days when I hate myself and I am hard on myself and there are days when I get two seconds of attention and it melts me down.

I don’t remember the big events we celebrated together or the big trips we took but I remember a couple of things that I want to pen down. She was super adventurous, yes, she travelled the world by herself, loved trying out different cuisines, making friends and getting my German friend with her English hubby super interested in “Kaun Banega CrorePati” (Translation – Hindi full on dramatized version with the Sean Connery of Bollywood movies “Mr. Amitabh Bachchan’s” version of Who Wants to Become a Millionaire?). However, when I say adventurous, I meant it in a sweety naughty way, just referring to my last chapter as I mentioned I always held myself to the highest expectations and the pressure kind of became the sole reason for me not to be able to perform to my potentials. She understood and to make the exam times in school be not like “Ramsay movies” (Translation – living hell where nothing made sense), she let me pick three movies, a big 1 liter Coca cola and Chinese food for the last day and honestly it worked like a charm. I would wait for the last day not worrying about not performing but dreaming about catching up on junk (both for the eyes and for the tummy). She somehow was the only one who knew pushing did not work rather she would always sit me down and let me speak. And to tell you the least I can speak “A natural Ted Talk speaker I am, who can speak non-stop”. She taught me the importance of space, space to grow.

Life was though not always Karan Johar movies for us. We had our super dark moments too. The teenage years I was a complete pain – to be honest I feel my family still thinks I am a complete pain (story for another day). My tantrums, my mood swings, immense stubbornness through high school – she dealt with it all. We fought, she scolded me at times, she got upset with me on some occasions, but she never shut me down/cut me off or never gave up on me. There were days when we would have a big verbal fight and she would quietly walk away and go off to her art classes but when coming back she would always bring me “Monginis – Chicken Patty” and my favorite crackers. Unfortunately, this is one thing I never could adopt in my life, anyone and everyone who has hurt me ever I have always moved away from them slowly and quietly. I hardly am in touch with anyone from my side of the family – very Bollywood film like behavior I know but selfishly I just wanted to be happy without the human element of negativity. She was not at all like that – her main charm was she wanted to move forward with everyone together. She kept in touch with everyone, cared for everyone and wanted success for everyone.

When I decided to write up this chapter, I was sad as there is this big space in my life right now where I stand alone. And I am kind of scared of this loneliness. However, as I started to type out the chapter, I started feeling the joy, the warmth and remembering the time I have had with her makes me smile. She was different and charismatic. One thing I learnt from her was always get the best. She was very classy and going shopping with her was ultimate fun. She always knew even before we would step into the mall what she wanted and where she wanted it from. I am exactly like that. She never compromised on what she wanted, and she taught me well. When something seems extra ordinarily expensive, she taught me to be not extravagant but to save up for it and if its something I still wanted after I have saved up, I should get it. She taught me well to manage my finances but also to treat myself. The simple joys of buying yourself a “good job, you deserve it” gift was always high on her list.

You can spread joy and love how you want; you can be yourself and still be a good friend, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold on to and just an ear on the other side of the phone. She was all that and even more for me. She was my sounding board, my confidence booster, my crazy shopping buddy, my energy drink, my guide, my rainy-day friend and above all someone who was always there when I needed. I miss her, I miss everything about her, selfishly I miss her because now I have no one to just call and be myself.