Chapter 3: “I can’t, no, I won’t hush” – Ed Sheeran

          This chapter is coming out on a day that I am running low on supplies, no not ink, paper, cartridge etc. but my beloved drink for my second peg. So, I am going to write about the not so happening part of my life a little dark but a very “AHA…” moment.

Just to recap my machines and my job became a huge part of my life. However, life was not always a cup of hot chocolate topped with whipped cream, but it was in fact most of the time smoked whiskey on the rocks. Professionally, I started learning, growing and achieving quite a bit to start with. I liked the office, the competition and the attention of corporate life.

          I enjoyed work, yes you read it right. I enjoyed working late hours, weekends, holidays…you ask something of me, and I am there. The thrill of achieving and getting recognized and staying away from the dark hours at home made it a very lucrative package for me. Yes, so let’s venture into my personal life. I married the man of my dreams and yes everything seemed perfect till the first day we moved into our first rented apartment in the UK.

          It was a beautiful cottage, very small but cozy and very cold. The heater did not work for the first couple of days. I thought that was romantic, but the man of the house was not happy. I was so dumb that I really thought life was going to be fun, films, travel and adventure. My brain could not even come to terms with the fact that I was supposed to behave like a lady while the friends I grew up with were hanging out at college campuses, having PJ nights and working towards building their dream career. In the beginning when things were not in the right place, when he would be away for weeks, I would throw massive tantrums, I would call him so much, I would beg him to not go or take me with him. He would on occasions let me accompany him.

          Life was becoming different; it felt like I was not up to everyone’s standards/expectations. Having been born as an only child I was spoilt rotten so I would more than often speak up “I can’t, no, I won’t hush” (Ed Sheeran). The consequence I guess it should not be a surprise, I lost it all.

My family wanted to live under the false pretense that they have got me married abroad and nothing better could have happened to my life. So, they outright refused to even listen that anything was wrong. It was however not all downhill. We would occasionally have great days, would walk the streets of London, would laugh it out over a bottle of wine, eat at Domino’s pizza and chill in front of the TV. Then it would be followed by arguments, door-slamming, shouting, hurting each other, and more than often being left alone. I could never get it right. I somehow had a strong belief at that time if I shout louder, I will be heard, and my voice will bring everything back to track. I was so desperate to live my dream that I would often wander at night thinking what can I do to make it how I wanted it, “I can’t, no, I won’t hush” (Ed Sheeran).

          Finally, when I finished my first Masters and went into a full-time job, things started to look a little brighter. Seemed like life was ready to accept me for who I was. However, I knew deep down I had completely changed. Except the hunger to go up the career ladder, the fun, stupid, “dream-big-or-go-home” perfectionist was nowhere to be found anymore. I would struggle with myself time and again as the fun part would try to come out and all I would do is tell myself, “You have to work really hard, don’t focus on anything as the pain will disappear one day.” Life was mundane but I liked the routine – office to home and back to office. To contain myself my ultimate entertainment was a drive and life was simple. That’s when my machines stood by me and made me complete and gave me a new hope of a path that was winding but when travelled lead to serenity and peace.

As you would have guessed by now, my life has been immensely influenced by Bollywood and today after writing this piece I am thinking of reaching out to Tapsee Pannu (comparable to Blake Lively), Kangana Ranawat (comparable to a Julia Roberts, I don’t think she will agree) and director Madhur Bhandarkar (comparable to directors who bring forth women issues … like men have none…. totally off topic) to transform this into a revolting 2021 “JAAGO NAARI” (rise of women power) movie.

          Anyways jokes aside, while speaking up at home was viewed as argument by parents, cousins and the near & dear ones. Speaking up at work and challenging the set ways was what brought me closer to what I viewed as success. I was novice at both as I mentioned earlier, I never had to raise my finger to get anything before this stage of my life than just competing at academic institutions. However, instead of “I can’t, no, I won’t hush” (Ed Sheeran) I learnt to articulate my thoughts and numb my emotionally over-sensitive feelings to cloud my path of life.