Chapter 4: Twinkle Twinkle Little stars….

Ok let’s step out of the darkness and great wisdom of the last chapter. With two pegs of my favorite Whiskey, I am ready to share the biggest joy of my life. 

Work gave me confidence and confidence gave me hope. Hope to dream big and finally to take a huge decision for the next step of my life. Me who hardly understood myself somehow was convinced that I could be responsible for another human being who would be dependent on me till the time comes when I will be dependent on him. No, I am not talking about hubby, after this point in life I have never ever even had a chance to talk or think about anyone but the twinkle twinkle little star who brightened our lives forever.

I loved kids forever. I never introduced this side of me so let me spend a few lines this paragraph to bring forward the child in me. I loved babysitting my friend’s kids, playing with them, dancing with them, putting them to sleep – everyone thought I was natural at it. To an extent I was, since I myself was still a kid at heart and even now I feel like one. One thing no one realized that I was great with the twinkle twinkle little stars of the other galaxies but was still in a black hole and lost when it came to mine.

I was not at all a natural at motherhood, but I till date say the best time of my life was when I was pregnant. Even before the tests came positive in fact my google-struck (he would google everything and hand me information) doctor was in denial that I am pregnant, I knew I am. My colleagues at office, my friends and family in UK were super supportive. Finally, I felt I was important as everyone would ask me how I felt, I would get a seat in over-crowded sweaty trains, I would be allowed to sit in the front seats of a bus, board and get-off the bus first. I loved it; the best thing was 12 other associates were pregnant in our office at the same time. The twinkle twinkle little stars were going to brighten up so many lives.

I did everything by the book. Being a person who hardly looked after oneself – I became extremely conscious. Long walks, decaf drinks, healthy fruits, lots of water and frequent bathroom trips were all regularly crossed off my checklist. I started feeling like the Queen of the bathroom at one point as I was there throwing up early morning to frequent piss trips every so often. Among things that changed were body weight and my confidence. No prize for guessing, both increased. I was working hard but at the same time my life seemed to have a purpose – shopping for the one I have never meant. I had no idea for a human that was going to be 6lbs and 2oz I needed the world. From designing and painting his room, to checking out 15-18 strollers to buying cots, swings, bottle sets, playmates – you name it and I had it already except for preparing myself for what was going to come. For me he was still this twinkle twinkle little star that would come into my world and just be perfect.

My belief was so strong that I decided to start my MBA when I was six months pregnant. I had my hormones telling me “You got this” – and I flew with them. I applied and got accepted to one the best schools. I was working during day, got promoted to a new role, taking long walks in the evening, visiting the doctor by myself, studying at night and shopping 24/7. I felt like the twinkle twinkle little stars were aligned like they were when Raj met Simran (for those who don’t know Raj and Simran they are Romeo and Juliet of modern Bollywood movies).

The strange thing as I write about it today is I always referred to the baby as “he”. No gender reveal party, but a close intimate baby shower with the closest friends. It was one perfect evening; in fact, it was so perfect, and I got showered with so many beautiful gifts that my baby could not wait anymore till due date. A week later, on Diwali my waters broke but due to very low dilation I was admitted in the hospital next day for induction. In the midst of this, with my confidence still going strong, I managed to complete my appraisal and do some last minute handover meetings at work, crossing the ‘t’s and dotting the ‘i’s. After being 2 days and 3 hours in labor which somehow also was perfect except my impatience and may be the bit of the pain towards the very end, I met him the twinkle twinkle little star who was going to shape me for who I am today.

I know by now you must be thinking I am probably like play doh as first my family, then my academics, my hubby, my machines and now my baby is molding me. I will be honest; I am still jealous of mothers that connect with their babies immediately. I did not. For me the feeling that instantly kicked in was not love but protection. After being 2 days in labor I was supposed to be knocked out, so the midwives kept checking on me throughout the night if I was able to hear him and feed him when needed. However, I was so protective that I did not even keep him down. For twelve straight hours I held him in my arms and kept looking at him. After all he was my twinkle twinkle little star.

Once I brought him home in the car seat, there started another anxious moment of “What now?” Till now everything was in the books, and in the hands of the doctors. However, now it was my turn to be responsible. “Hold on a moment, other than being responsible for budgets of millions of dollars, I have not been responsible for a human that really cannot express what he wants……. What now?” Now was the time for ultimate freak show by me. I would dial 999 (911 if you are reading this in US and 100 if in India – wishful thinking I already suspect my blog has gone viral worldwide) for every little thing – he hiccups, he has temperature, he is teething so has ear infection. I wanted the national guard on standby for my twinkle twinkle little star.

I gradually started bonding and understanding what he wants from me. We bonded over “Sheila ki jawani” (Very much “Jalebi baby” of this era… funny we dance to Jalebi baby every time it comes on while we are in the car or watching TV), we bonded over funny You-tube videos, we bonded on days that were so gloomy and rainy that I could not take him out so just hugged him close to me. One main thing we bonded over was chicken. My hubby is vegetarian, but we wanted our baby to try everything and somehow his favorite baby food was anything with chicken.

The ultimate freak test came when I had to drop him off at the day care for the first time. I knew I wanted to do it alone, I knew I will have to be strong, and I knew I can do it. It was a tough day I went back to work, and everyone knew better than to ask me anything but about the baby, I could not wait for the clock to show me the time to pick him up. Strangely enough when I did go to pick him up, he was lying on a floor mat super happy and babbling away. The first thing the ladies at the day care said to me was that he has adjusted very well and pooped quite a bit (a sign he was comfortable according to them, I knew I had something common with the English as this is how I judge my hotel stays). I was happy he was happy but somewhere in my heart I felt my 5-month-old baby is not any more a twinkle twinkle little star but someone I am going to eternally love, discipline, cherish, lose my cool on, respect and go crazy for always.

Okay I need to really keep a check on this over-sensitive Moma as she can totally write an entire book cover to cover on her twinkle twinkle little star so we will return to talking about my prince after I introduce you to a few more personalities that danced, sung, cried, fought, laughed, and freaked out with me as I drove through the sharp corners and climbed the steep hills of my life. I promise though I will have a chapter on how life changed and shaped me as a mother from his first birthday till date and how I still cannot believe sometimes I sing twinkle twinkle little star to myself to bring me joy and peace.